20 May 2009

The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

In his last killing, God forced the Israelites to kill each other. (The Levites volunteered for the job of "being on the Lord's side" by killing their family, friends, and neighbors for God.) The resulting death toll was 3000.
But this didn't quite satisfy God. He needed to kill some more. So he sent a plague.
And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. Exodus 32:35
Since the Bible doesn't say how many people God killed in this plague, I'll just add another thousand to God's total.

God's next killing: Aaron's sons

18 May 2009

Who is on the Lord's side? (Forcing friends and family to kill each other)

In his previous killings, God killed indiscriminately. He drowned everyone and everything in the flood, smashed people with burning stones at Sodom and Gomorrah, and killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal just for the heck of it. So I guess we should be used to this sort of thing by now.

But in this killing, God forces 3000 friends and family members to kill each other. That seems kind of nasty even for a very nasty god.

Here are the gory details.

Moses was up on Mount Sinai getting the ten commandments from God. Since he'd been gone so long (he'd been up there for 40 days) the people began to wonder if he'd ever come back, so they asked Aaron to make some other gods for them. Aaron thought that was a pretty good idea, so he:
... said to them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me ... And ... he had made it a molten calf. Exodus 32:2-4
You might think that a bunch of runaway slaves wouldn't have much gold. But God told them to steal whatever jewelry they could find from the Egyptians. (This was before God gave them the ten commandments, so it was OK to do back then.)
The children of Israel did according to the word of Moses; and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment. And the LORD gave the people favour in the sight of the Egyptians, so that they lent unto them such things as they required. And they spoiled the Egyptians. Exodus 12:35-36
I guess God wanted them to have enough gold to make a golden calf. It was all a part of his plan.

So the people gave Aaron their stolen gold and Aaron made a golden calf.

Now making a golden calf out of a bunch of ear rings and a campfire might seem hard to you. But Aaron just threw them all onto a fire and out came a golden calf. Really.
And I [Aaron] said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf. Exodus 32:24
It was a miracle. God made the golden calf when Aaron threw the jewelry on the fire. It was all part of his plan.

In any case, when Moses came down from the mountain, he saw the people dancing naked ("for Aaron had made them naked") around the golden calf. So he smashed the stone tablets, burned the golden calf, ground it into a powder, sprinkled it on water, and then forced everyone (all 3 million of them) to drink it.

But Moses was just getting started. Here's what he said next:
Who is on the Lord's side? .... Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour ... and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. Exodus 32:26-28
So those on God's side went out and killed 3000 of their friends, neighbors, and family members. (A question for believers: Are you on the Lord's side? Are you willing to kill your family, friends, and neighbors for God?)

But God still wasn't satisfied. When he first found out about the golden calf and the naked dancing he wanted to kill everyone, but Moses talked him out of it. Imagine that. Moses is a nicer guy than God. (Read Numbers 31:14-18- to see the implication here.)

The LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. Exodus 32:25
And I have another killing to add to God's list.

This killing is highlighted in the Poverty and Justice Bible.
The Lord God of Israel commands you to strap on your swords and go through the camp killing your relatives, friends, and neighbours.
I guess it shows God's sense of justice.

God's next killing: The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made

17 May 2009

God tortures everyone except 144,000 Jews (and other new Brick Testament stories from the Book of Revelation)

The new Brick Testament stories are out!

Here are some of my favorite scenes, along with links to the BT stories themselves.

Be sure to read them all. It's the only sane way to read the Book of Revelation.

(Be sure to notice the blasphemous name on the Beast's head.)

Inspired by the Bible: Rumsfeld's Secret Holy War

GQ has released copies of secret intelligence briefing covers that were sent by Donald Rumsfeld to president Bush and his senior military staff just after the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Here they are, along with links to the Bible verses.

Joshua 1:9

1 Chronicles 16:11

Psalm 33:16-19

Psalm 139:9-10

Proverbs 16:3

Isaiah 5:28

Isaiah 6:8

Isaiah 26:2

Daniel 5:5-28

Ephesians 6:13

1 Peter 2:15

04 May 2009

The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

Before the Israelites had even left Egypt, they began to do what they do best: complain.

They complain when they see the Pharaoh's chariots.
When Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid: and the children of Israel cried out unto the LORD. And they said unto Moses, Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness. Exodus 14.10-12
They complain when they’re starving to death.
The whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger. Exodus16.2-3
They complain when dying of thirst.
There was no water for the people to drink. Wherefore the people did chide with Moses, and said, Give us water that we may drink. And Moses said unto them, Why chide ye with me? wherefore do ye tempt the LORD? And the people thirsted there for water; and the people murmured against Moses, and said, Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst? Exodus 17.1-3
Before long, God will have to respond to their complaints with several mass murders. But we'll leave that for another time.

Because now it's time for some Holy War.

The Amalekites show up and the fight begins. God controls the whole thing with some remote control magic tricks. Every time Moses holds his hands up, the Amalekites are slaughtered by the Israelites. When he gets tired and lets his arms down, the situation is reversed.
When Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 17.11
Eventually they had to set some rocks under Moses' arms to make sure that the right people got killed.
But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands. 17.12
But it all worked out just fine.
Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. 17.13
It's too bad, though, that the Bible doesn't say how many Amalekites died in this magical holy war, because now I'll just have to guess. Oh heck, let's just call it 1000.

But God was far from done with the Amalekites. In fact, he is fighting with them still and commands us all to kill them wherever and whenever we see them.
The LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Exodus 17.14
The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16
Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25:19
So if you happen to see an Amalekite, you know what to do.

God's next killing: Who is on the Lord's side?

01 May 2009

A note about the Exodus

It didn't happen.

God didn't kill the Egyptian firstborn or drown Pharaoh's army in the sea. He didn't drown people in a world-wide flood or smash them with burning stones at Sodom and Gomorrah. And he didn't kill Onan for spilling his seed or turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. None of this stuff happened.

These are all just stupid stories that no one should take seriously. The God of the Bible didn't kill anyone, because the God of the Bible doesn't exist.

But since half of the world still believes in him, I'll keep counting the number of people believers believe that he killed.

So let's pretend that the Bible is true and try taking the Exodus seriously.

Imagine Moses organizing the Exodus. He rounds up all the people (with their animals, baked goods, and silver, gold, and clothes that they stole from the Egyptians) and gets them all lined up and ready to go. Each family follows the next with a meter or so between them.

The Bible tells us that 600,000 men left Egypt in the Exodus, so there must have been about that many families. If each family was one meter apart, the line would be 600 kilometers long. That's longer than the entire Exodus route from the the Nile delta to Israel, even allowing for a bit of wandering around in the wilderness. So the front of the line would have arrived in Israel before the those at the end left Egypt. Yet the Bible says the trip took 40 years (everything takes 40 years in the Bible).

OK. So let's say it took 40 years. How fast were they walking? If the entire trip was 600 kilometers, then they would have had to walk a bit more than 1 kilometer per month (about 40 meters a day).

Of course there's no evidence that any of this happened. And if several million people were roaming around for 40 years in the Sinai desert, they would have left some evidence. But they didn't.

That's because it didn't happen.